Monday, March 17, 2008


If you are a Seinfeld fan, do you remember the "B.O. in the car" episode? Remember when the valet left the highly offensive O. in Jerry's car, even after the B. had long since departed? I am thinking lately of funky smells, because there is one that seems to have invaded my house. Over the past two weeks, Cutie Pie and I are like the Hardy Boys sniffing every crevice and corner around here to narrow down the Smell's emanation. Is it on the staircase? Is it in the hall? Is in a child's room? Is it in our room? Is a family member possibly producing the Smell and refusing to confess, sending the Hardy Boys on many wild goose chases? Every day, we are sniffing household items and questioning each other in Dr. Suesslike fashion: "Do you smell it here? Do you smell it there? Do you smell it everywhere?" The frustrating part is that a) I have a bad smeller, made worse by a recent cold-cough-croup-fever combo and 2) once you live in the smell for more than 3 minutes, you stop smelling it and apparently become immune to its odious charms. You trick yourself into thinking it's gone. Until you come home from the outside world and walk into the Smell, all fresh and smelly again. Finally, last night, I believe we narrowed the Smell to our children's playroom, which has direct access to the attic. This was after closing off certain rooms for specified periods of time and then rushing in, pouncing cat-like and nose-first, to try desperately to capture a whiff. So, after turning the playroom upside down looking for the culprit, we discussed the matter for probably 30 or 40 minutes. Yes, this is how sad we have become. And yes, this is how we know the truth about our marriage: We are no longer newlyweds. AKA, The Honeymoon's Over. We discussed the Smell at length. What the Smell smells like. What could be the source of the Smell. Why the Smell is stronger late in the day. Is the Smell animal, vegetable or mineral. I even asked for a crash course on duct work and attic joists so I could intelligently add to the theories being bandied about. The unfathomable mystery is: How can we have a smell in the house that smells like a dog's rear end (this was the conclusion we came to after many scientific comparisons of the Smell to known and unknown smells) when in fact, we do not own a dog? This is a mystery. And it's driving us crazy. If you know any specialists, experts, vendors or Smellologists who would consider taking our case....well, we would be ever so grateful.